Sunday, January 9, 2011 ; 6:11 PM♥
❤ Jared's Baby's Story {:
Today's blog is about Stress and Disturbances!
Tomorrow Is a big issue.. Having 2 test straight in 2 hours.. Having Maths first then having Physics.. Really hope we get to have our physics on tuesday! My brain's really cracked up..
My feeling has been fucked up since few days ago.. To be honest, Years after years, things went really great.. But this year, due to some issue had happen, things like 4 years ago had happen... I was having my PMB exam when I first encounter this problems.. Well, it's not my first time but it's my first time when I actually understand what's been going on.. Well, Things actually started during 1994, When I was actually 2 years old..
It's been living with me for decades now, sometime it's good and sometime it's bad.. There were things happening since 1994 till now, Some were good and some doesn't.. The First time for me to encounter this kind of problem is when I was in Form 2 and 3.. Form 3 was the worst and I could never believe it myself.. But at that time, I have alot of friends in school to talk too.. So it basically doesn't damage much of my days.. I get solution from people.. But At that time, my result weren't that good as well, due to every night I have to wake up or hearing unpleasant shouting and quarreling voice..
Eventually, It passed and have a huge big turn when I reached form 4 and 5 and of course lower six, Last year.. Things were getting better and better... But this year, It came back again.. This time, I knew more about it.. I have to bother what had happen.. I'm old and mature enough to understand what's around me and there's no chances of me being as a child again trying to ignore whatever happens..This time, it's different, as you grow older, you have more problems for you to solve..
I've never tell anyone about the things I have before but to blog it here, I think it's a very stupid idea, But this is all I have... Telling it to others doesn't actually works anymore, but keeping inside me also doesn't work! At least, I can express out my feelings from righting it here.. I'm quite bad at communication with others especially with my boyfriend, He's a nice guy but whatever I told him, We came up with quarrel due to my fucked up attitude, That's what he mention.. My friends have their own problems too.. I have too much problems that I have to deal with
Things I have to handle right now:
- Making sure my days doesn't get worst and My family life is getting better
- Having a fine relationship with my boyfriend * Trying to change to a better person ( came after everything important is settle.. So basically now we're in a very rough edge.. But if Not being with me will make him happy, I'll agreed to let go this time, No more turning back! )
- Making sure I can aces all my exam ( A level this year, really stressing every week there's test and exam.. And now result are in assessment and report= To get scholarship, things have to be great )
- Making sure my parents are proud of me...
- Making sure I have no insults or anything due to having a boyfriend ( Family with traditional mind.. You have to prove to them like hell.. Once you done, you're safe! But if you fail, everything goes with laugher and insult-ness for them and your families' name gonna go down with it.. Parents and Boyfriends gonna suffer cause of me
- Get my scholarship ( once again, proving... That's why I need to get good grade.. But how can I study and concentrate with all this problems I'm having currently.. )
- People will never understand what I'm having right now! ( things that they never experiences before
- I have to look good and rebuild my reputation on my bf's side.. * Kinda stressing cause I'm always the problem and causing much people to hate me! *
- Trying to reduce my selfishness by making myself busy and don't think * How could I?? I miss him so much.. I could only do that if I have no feeling with him! *
- Crying makes me feel better ( But everyone hates it, including me.. I can't talk to anyone but to express out feeling throught that! )
- Friends.. ( Making sure I don't step on their tails.. Never wanna offend someone.. it's really tired of having enemy.. )
- Proving that I can do all my exam with good grade due to some helps ( Once a thing have been exposed, there's no reason to lie but to prove to them you dont mean that way.. Once you lie, you need to find another lie to cover it up! )
- In a class with freaking guineas ( Big problems.. my class is full of smart people.. In order to be in the same level as them, I have to catch up and prove to them.. Really.... Big issue also proving to family on this stage.. They will always wanna look at the bad side of me.. If I did something good, they never say anything but if I did something bad, Hell god, It's your worst nightmare..)
* My family are those who compete ALOT! In order to shut their mouth up, you need to be the best till they are satisfied * Not happening *
-My scary Uncle.. ( Don't even bother to say.. I told what my mum about he msg me and ask me to call him everytime, it sucks alot.. Out of so many nieces, He have to find me.. There's some issue on that too.. cause my family are those ' kiasu ' and fierce type.. They compete and they basically create rival and really strict.. If my uncle scare my aunty, he will never find their daughter.. Unfortunately, Both my parents are the good type, so he basically find me... so ya,, FUCK )
- EXAM and TEST <--- ( Stress!! )
- Starting MIB classes??? ( Finally I tot I don't have to touch malay language again! NOW it's coming with me for life! (My worst subject ever )
=> See this is basically I have alot in my mind! How the hell can I tell anyone!
=> Basically this blog post is something that I can't make people understand me and I wrote the whole thing inside my head out!
Peace out! Hoping to have a great life! Hoping to have a better tomorrow! hoping that someone that can really tahan my life would be there for me!
- As there's chances we might not be together anyone.. It's time for turning off the light.. I can't do much judgement.. I can see we probably might not walk together down the hall.. I;m sorry for creating all the burden! But trust me, you'll have a better life with or without me anyway.. I know you're reading this but since I've made you this way, I don't want anymore.. I might regret but I never want to create burden.. I've made everyone around you hate me.. Now it's time then.. Whatever decision you make... I'll go with the flow.. BEst of luck to you! =') Thanks for the wonderful years, but once my sucked up years are here, I'm no longer wanna let you experiences this.. You're not asked to have this.. You're asked to have great time and being happy not something like this! Thanks!
---- Praying god will see me and help me! I'll never give up no matter what! I'll do my best in everything and this is the place where I reach my goals! ------
♥chantelle.33
